**REQUEST**Please DO NOT fill my Instagram comment sections with words of SYMPATHY. I am NOT writing this for sympathy or empathy. I DO however, feel a sense of obligation to share the following because I have been so open about infertility and I know many of you are wondering what our plan is, but also, because I know MANY of you are drifting on the same boat I am and it's time for one of us to grab the mic and speak up.**
I'm going to try to keep this post as "flowy" as possible, but just know that I have so many emotions and this may be all over the place. I do, appreciate you holding my hand as I share my heart with you. Thank you....
Mila is at the age where people start to ask when we are going to have baby #2. Some are strangers we meet out and about, others are acquaintances, and most are people who know about our journey. Most of the time I share our journey on how long it took to bring Mila to our family, the countless miscarriages surgeries, procedures, needles, IVFs...(the summed up version), others I just reply with "hopefully soon", because I don't even have the energy to put myself there again, and some I just say "hopefully we will do egg transfer in the fall". I have been saying that for 1 1/2 years. The truth is....I haven't been emotionally ready. Invitro, takes a toll on your physical body, and emotional well being. The daily injections filled with hormones, the stupid calendar you follow daily, weekly blood draws and cervix exams. It's effing a lot. Then the two week wait after egg transfer, where you wish there was a numb inducing brain medicine to get your through the two weeks leading up to that blood test to let you know whether the whole freaking thing worked or not. And if its a loss? How would I even cope. Dammit, I sound mad. I guess I sort of am.....sometimes. I know and accept this is my path to continue to build my family, and I've got my warrior armor on...I can do this (pep talk).
I just had a miscarriage. In June.
I was laying in bed one night, and felt....pregnant. The next morning I picked up a few home pregnancy tests, and they were POSITIVE! I have NEVER seen a positive pregnancy test before from natural conception. It was very early. The next week I miscarried. My first emotion was gratefulness. I was so happy my body got pregnant on its own! I thanked my body. It was a miracle. It was possible.
In July, I had miscarriage. Yep. One after another.
Yep. TWO back to back pregnancies, AHHHHH, and then miscarried shortly after I found out. Again, very early on. I was jubilant. My body did this TWO MONTHS in a row!! "Thank you BODY for trying, I love you".
Did these miscarriages make me sad? The second one did.
How did I cope? The gym, practicing self-love, self-care, and talking to you right now about it. It is hard, I ain't gonna lie. Its even harder to keep your mind from regressing to a place where you hate your body, and how it fails you each month. I haven't gone back there though. I have already decided not to ever do that again. I love my body. I love how hard it works for me. To function. Thank you, body.
Although, we will continue trying naturally, knowing I have TWO frozen embryos in Utah has me anxious. These two embryos are from 2014. They have not been genetically tested, and we won't dish out the $7,000 to do it either.
When will we transfer them? Well, I would really like to do it this year. It took a while to get my mind ready to think about embarking on IVF #4. I wanted Mila to be riiiiiiight at this age, but I also wanted to ensure I was emotionally ready to even entertain the idea of planning and going through an egg transfer and potential failure.
Many of you know that Mila is an empath. She feels everyones emotions. Its beautiful. However, she is dialed into the same frequency as me, so I know that if for one second I am "off", or "pretending" to be okay during IVF #4, she is going to have a hard time. She looks out for me.
Let's be honest, I think I would kinda be okay with just having an only child. However, I feel like I would be robbing Mila from having the best friends she was always meant to have as siblings. She would make a freaking amazing older sister. She will be. Time is ticking for me. I am 36, and slooooowwwwwly creeping into 37. Do I want to be pregnant in my 40's? Not really. Do I want to have 2 more kids. Yes.
So, I have my armor on, my big girl pants, and the mindset of a warrior. I. AM. READY.
I will take you along my journey on Instagram. I will need your support. I will need my TTC tribe.
I am hoping in the next few months or so, I will have a "egg transfer" plan. We will be flying out to Utah for the procedure, since the embryos are there. I will keep you updated on dates etc.
I have many emotions. Most good, some make me sad that this is the f*cking journey we have to take. IVF isn't cheap. IVF isn't easy. IVF actually pretty much sucks (I would fill this page up with the "F" word, but I want to retain my readers HAHAHA).
So this is where I am, where we are, what our plan is.
thanks for listening.